You may have moments in your awakening where someone has let you down and you aren’t able to get beyond the feeling of disappointment, sadness or pain. I just went through this with a business partner and found myself wondering what happened, did I do something to bring about this occurrence? Is it a good change? And where am I responsible for it?
The self-responsibility statement from A Course in Miracles is clear: I am responsible for what I see, I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goal I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for and receive as I have asked.
This leaves absolutely no room for victimization. I know that the only way out of negative emotion is always to accept responsibility for the situation and my own feelings associated with it. I often have to write them down to find out what I am really feeling and perhaps have buried. When I reveal to myself the hidden feelings, I can then ask for help with their release, but until I look at them and identify the truth within me about them, I won’t feel released. I need help in that moment. And the Holy Spirit or healer within cannot relieve me of something I am unwilling to look at honestly.
Forgiveness is letting something come to the surface, looking at it and allowing it to be released for you. Then, you only have to be willing to let go of your perception. It’s OK to be wrong. Especially if you are unhappy.
So in this situation, I had to look at my expectation that I had put on my partner and really ask myself if it was reasonable that she meet that. Was she capable of meeting it, even though she may have intended to, did she really have the motivation within her to do so. It became clear that I was hoping that she did have the motivation, but in reality, she wasn’t showing me that she did. When I felt this happening, I confronted her with it and then let it go. I know I have no control over what someone else wants or chooses. I simply have to be clear about my intention and my desire. But how that plays out is beyond my control.
Now when I was able to forgive this, and let her be exactly where she is, and let myself be forgiven for having an expectation, I could allow a new door to open, let a new opportunity for a change occur. It’s important to surrender to the greater good for all concerned. But it wasn’t that easy.
In journaling this, I had to admit I was having misgivings and frustration with the partnership and wasn’t able to cut it off immediately. I found myself doing too much for her and letting her be helpless and dependent upon me. This became increasingly frustrating and I realized I could not trust her to do her part. So, in effect I had let the situation go on too long, by my need to help her get her act together. And then I found it intolerable.
I first had to confront this within myself, and see where I had allowed this manipulation to occur. When I could see my part in it, that I had agreed to take on this role with her, I then made a decision to stop. This finally was the catalyst for the change and the confrontation.
Now, I can better focus on my priorities and my goals and have increased energy and determination to move ahead. My support has to come from within me and from my Creator. He knows how to heal me, and release me from my tendencies to let someone manipulate me. And my own expectation came from feeling I wanted to have a partnership, when in truth, I am too independent for that. I know who I am and want to express it freely. In truth, I want to be released from relying on others inappropriately. Or, as many women do, feeling the need to be depended upon…we get this from mothering, partnering and being in constant service to the world around us.
Yet in this situation and many others, I have found that the real answer is that I am free to be independent and must be if I am to be happy. My independence, however, means I am relying upon my Creator, my higher self, my savior and the light of truth to shine through me. This will reveal the love behind every encounter that feels like pain, disappointment and conflict.
Only appreciation is an appropriate response to my brother. This statement from the Course challenges me to accept everything exactly as it is and to let go of my expectation. This frees me and my brother and sister in this dream of ever unfolding life and the journey back to LOVE itself.